Tomorrow could be boring

Orbital2008 (That's how we're tagging it)

This year's Eastercon was the best one I'd been to. Orbital 2008 was held at the Radison Edwardian hotel, Heathrow and I went for the whole weekend with my husband Timo. Didn't think anything would beat the 2002 con in Jersey, but I was wrong. Not that I'm a seasoned con-goer and a fan, unlike the veterans celebrating their 40th Eastercon, but nevertheless, measuring by my own tiny scale, this one tops the lot.

In one of those Life's waiting rooms again

I've been really, really busy. Good busy. I've been in work-and-career mode for months. It's been a little more intense in the time consumption department than anticipated due to some unforeseen circumstances, but things are finally moving along. I should find out some pretty big things in the next couple of weeks. Now we wait. And continue to juggle.

The things I have overlooked: housework, social life, writing group (hi, Gaie!), Smart meets, contact with all but a handful of friends.

The things I am trying to do, but not very well: Healthy eating, exercise (Timo and I tried to establish a regular swimming routine. We should try harder).

The things I have almost overlooked, but have managed to keep in my life (because without them it would be a bit pointless): having a relationship with Timo (if we don't have one, yet get married, we'd be heading for divorce before you can say Honeymoon), reading (I'm happy that it's not just work-related either; fiction lives!) and having duvet days (I need the occasional day where not a lot happens. I sleep in, do small chores, potter around, read, watch TV and play computer games - and spend the day Not Talking Much. It's a much needed balance to what most of my days are like).

If you are a friend, an aquaintance, a blog reader, anyone nice - hi there - who has been wondering what kind bottomless pit I've fallen into; please don't worry. And hope we can still keep in touch. To Be Continued...

Wow, what a hard decision

Well, today's the last day of my little holiday. Had a week off to go to Finland and arrange further wedding related things. Of course, as usual when one has been overdoing things for a bit too long, the minute I stopped working, I became ill.

Sinuses filled with green glue, voice like a scratchy record (and then, very quickly, strangled squeaks, then nothing), I somehow managed to run around in Helsinki with Timo and get everything done anyway. In the evenings we were wiped out and fell asleep far earlier than we're used to.

The wonderful thing is that we now have the go-ahead for our marriage. All paperwork is in order, we've checked the venue, ordered the flowers, and have a final list of things to do (including getting the rings! Minor detail...).

Over the weekend, I have been trying to rest and get myself back to normal. I would rather not have another course of antibiotics if it can be helped! Feeling lots better, though sinuses are still giving me trouble. Part of this resting has, admittedly, happened in front of the computer...

Timo brought home World of Warcraft (WoW) trial disks. Now, we've been avoiding it because we had another MMORPG love, Final Fantasy online. Except the trouble with FF has been that the time sink required for it exceeds what we can possibly commit to. For the most part, I've been doing things like levelling various crafts or breeding giant chicken mounts (yes, really). They're called chocobos and are an integral element in all things Final Fantasy.

I love the Final Fantasy world and in the beginning, it was easy to pick up the online game and get ahead. Unfortunately majority of the game content (quests and so on) really does require you to spend hours on end playing. Sometimes in one go. Many activities are geared to be suitable for large groups only, or require the help of higher level players to complete. In order to gain commitment from others to help you, you must be available to do the same in return. It's only fair and makes sense.

However, being one of those weird gamers that actually prefers achieving things in the fabled world of RL (Real Life) as well as in-game, I don't think I have much choice in the matter of FF. I can keep on paying the monthly subscription to keep my characters and giant chickens "alive", or I can cancel the subscription. Quit. It seems bizarre to be a little bit emotionally attached to a virtual world and its inhabitants, but I've been a fan of the Final Fantasy universe for years and a player on FF online for over 2 years. So quitting seems like leaving something real behind.

How real are online gaming environments? Do they become as real as the time you have put in them? Or the people you "meet" and make friends with?

Is it all just a big waste of time? Is any social, fun activity a waste of time?

I guess when it stops being fun.

So, meanwhile, we've been trying to understand what makes World of Warcraft online such a popular game. It has millions of subscribers (over 6 million, I seem to remember seeing somewhere - sounds ludicrous! That's more than the entire population of Finland!).

WoW seems so easy to get into after FFXI. Granted, in every such game, the first 10 levels of a character are a breeze, after which things get harder. We've tried out different characters, classes and crafts. It's fun, so far. Worth getting a subscription? Not sure yet. It seems to be far better suited to people who want to play for a while, go do something else and come back again. Of course the mechanics, especially towards end game, seem to allow for overwhelming immersive playing style (there's always some Uber gear that can be perceived as a must-have and this type of gear or priviledges or imaginary in-game status always requires making the game your primary activity in life for quite a while). The key difference seems to be that this does not appear to be a requirement. It's an option.

If I'm right about the above and it's in fact possible to play WoW semi-casually, then it might be sold. Just a few more days of the trial left.

It's definitely a nice thought to have something to lose yourself in once in a while. I tried Second Life (and still have my account there), but it seems a little bit pointless. There's not an awful lot to do, unless you want to make a pretty toon and flirt. I made a dragon.

Still. Why do I feel that playing WoW instead of FF online is like cheating? And quitting FF would be like a breakup. Yet I know it seems the logical thing to do. How dorky. I'm surprised at myself actually.

The only thing that truly sucks about being away from Finland

I've been here, in England, for almost 14 years. I've just got used to saying 13. The one thing that completely blows about being over here is how much I miss my closest friend Tuulia. I miss our daily interaction; how by just spending time together we could make each other feel better about ourselves, gain perspective about our problems and feel accepted and understood. Our friendship started in University, all those years ago and we only spent a year or so getting to know each other until I left. Yet somehow, we were close from the moment we met. It has never happened before or since.

I'm not alone and abandoned here by any means. I've got a reasonably wide circle of people with whom I connect on variety of levels. And there's Timo who has built a nest with me in our studio and with whom I want to spend the rest of my life. Something about the way in which we are so natural and raw and loving with each other has helped me unlock the final doors to my real emotions. They'd been barricaded for over a decade, if not longer. I don't have to be afraid of my feelings any more.

Now, with the new job - a job where all of my education, life experience and work experience come together and combine with the release from having to try to mold myself into a company culture, or a job role that wasn't quite the right fit... I already feel liberated and like I can breathe freely. And the potential to excel and to achieve great things is shining like a lighthouse in the horizon. I am elated about all this. Even if nothing spectacular followed my initial job role, I'd be elated. Just to be able to be ME at work, not some kind of construct, or to hold back because others might get intimidated. The new company I work for relishes talent and develops its people rather than the other way around. I have been given permission to grow. It's the biggest gift I've had for years.

Then there's the stuff from last year and 2004; the illness thing that my last entry referred to. It's really all behind me now and sometimes I have to almost pinch myself. From desperation to this; it feels miraculous. It didn't come without some hard battles and I've learned to praise myself about those things. Not to focus on what went wrong, but to focus on what went right.

Apparently denying your true self and repressing your feelings can be a huge source of stress. No wonder I feel like I have been reborn. In so many ways, on so many levels. Sometimes I find myself grinning just because I enjoy eating a good meal without pain. Or because I can go for a long day out in London, come back and not be utterly wiped out. Or because I don't have to hide anything from anyone. Or because I never have to crave for closeness; it's there even before I need it. So many things are good right now.

And yet, there is that one utterly shitty thing about my life. My life doesn't include enough time with Tuulia. She can write an email to me that makes me laugh and then I find myself crying because I am reminded of what I'm missing. Perhaps this is overly sentimental of me, but so be it. I miss her so desperately. Seeing each other for a week or so once a year is not enough. Some years we've managed twice, but it's not common.

In my ideal, dream life, I would be spending some time out of every year in Finland - not just a week once a year, but a few weeks here and there. The only way I've thought this possible is by starting my own business, or working freelance. But there might be other ways. Only time will tell where the road I'm currently on will take me, but for the first time ever, I can feel everything heading in the right direction all at once with nothing being compromised by the journey. I wouldn't have thought this possible, but apparently it is.

Claims to fame

I used to work as a make-up artist and hair/wig stylist. I studied at the London College of Fashion for a HND in Theatre Studies from 1994 to 1996, and was involved in a number of productions right from the start. I worked on all kinds of things - fringe theatre, pop promos, extremely dubious low budget films, fashion shows, feature films and so on. I also did some training and demonstrations for British Airways staff and for health spa staff. In the end, the most financially lucrative work came from private consultations and wedding make-up services.

It was fun, exciting, frustrating and exhausting. I climbed from a student working for free to someone being able to charge fairly well for some of the better gigs. However, those good gigs were not frequent. That time of my life could be made to sound oh-so-glamorous and I could name-drop, and frame it in a million snooty ways, but the truth is: I got stuck in that stage of not-quite-there-yet and didn't have the patience to scratch a living for as long as it might have taken to find out if I'd ever actually make it.

One of the worst things about the whole college course and make-up artist career was, that many of us were naively hoping that once we got out of college and found some footing on the showbiz circuit, we'd be able to leave behind all the part-time jobs and temping contracts and shop work and waitressing and all that stuff we had to do so we'd be free and available when The Call would come.

Yeah, right.

Fandom in small doses (or a post in which Pia uses Far Too Many Capital Letters)

I only became familiar with the concept of science fiction Fandom a few years ago. It's a curious Land in which The Fans exist on nourishment of genre lit and entertainment, conversations embroiled in endless inside joke filled punnery and the occasional social gathering that inevitably involves copious amounts of food, filking and fantastical costumes (the latter often put together in situ, from old stockings and bottle tops).

The Creators (writers, artists, media types) on the Other Side of Fandom sometimes grace these gatherings with their presence, imparting words of wisdom, but most importantly, autographs and photo opportunities.

Homework

Back in 2002, I was lucky enough to attend a kaffeeklatch with the author China Miéville. This took place during the annual British science fiction convention (Eastercon) in Jersey. I'd just read Perdido Street Station and had fallen in love with it.