I've been here, in England, for almost 14 years. I've just got used to saying 13. The one thing that completely blows about being over here is how much I miss my closest friend Tuulia. I miss our daily interaction; how by just spending time together we could make each other feel better about ourselves, gain perspective about our problems and feel accepted and understood. Our friendship started in University, all those years ago and we only spent a year or so getting to know each other until I left. Yet somehow, we were close from the moment we met. It has never happened before or since.
I'm not alone and abandoned here by any means. I've got a reasonably wide circle of people with whom I connect on variety of levels. And there's Timo who has built a nest with me in our studio and with whom I want to spend the rest of my life. Something about the way in which we are so natural and raw and loving with each other has helped me unlock the final doors to my real emotions. They'd been barricaded for over a decade, if not longer. I don't have to be afraid of my feelings any more.
Now, with the new job - a job where all of my education, life experience and work experience come together and combine with the release from having to try to mold myself into a company culture, or a job role that wasn't quite the right fit... I already feel liberated and like I can breathe freely. And the potential to excel and to achieve great things is shining like a lighthouse in the horizon. I am elated about all this. Even if nothing spectacular followed my initial job role, I'd be elated. Just to be able to be ME at work, not some kind of construct, or to hold back because others might get intimidated. The new company I work for relishes talent and develops its people rather than the other way around. I have been given permission to grow. It's the biggest gift I've had for years.
Then there's the stuff from last year and 2004; the illness thing that my last entry referred to. It's really all behind me now and sometimes I have to almost pinch myself. From desperation to this; it feels miraculous. It didn't come without some hard battles and I've learned to praise myself about those things. Not to focus on what went wrong, but to focus on what went right.
Apparently denying your true self and repressing your feelings can be a huge source of stress. No wonder I feel like I have been reborn. In so many ways, on so many levels. Sometimes I find myself grinning just because I enjoy eating a good meal without pain. Or because I can go for a long day out in London, come back and not be utterly wiped out. Or because I don't have to hide anything from anyone. Or because I never have to crave for closeness; it's there even before I need it. So many things are good right now.
And yet, there is that one utterly shitty thing about my life. My life doesn't include enough time with Tuulia. She can write an email to me that makes me laugh and then I find myself crying because I am reminded of what I'm missing. Perhaps this is overly sentimental of me, but so be it. I miss her so desperately. Seeing each other for a week or so once a year is not enough. Some years we've managed twice, but it's not common.
In my ideal, dream life, I would be spending some time out of every year in Finland - not just a week once a year, but a few weeks here and there. The only way I've thought this possible is by starting my own business, or working freelance. But there might be other ways. Only time will tell where the road I'm currently on will take me, but for the first time ever, I can feel everything heading in the right direction all at once with nothing being compromised by the journey. I wouldn't have thought this possible, but apparently it is.
This arrived by Interflora for me today.
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