Tomorrow could be boring

Chemicals and mind-crushes

Isn't the picture Grant drew adorable? It makes more sense if you read my new column at Basenotes. This is the second in the series, entitled "A Very English Problem".

I've also got a new mind-crush in the form of Dara O'Briain. His rant about homeopathy and nutritionists is brilliant. Best quote: "Science knows it doesn't know everything or it would have stopped."

I brought back a toxic book from the library: "Toxic Beauty: How Hidden Chemicals in Cosmetics Harm You." It's written by a Reiki-healer who is convinced she knows what she's talking about, a bit like an astrologer might be convinced she knows better about heavenly bodies after talking to some people at NASA. I would despair, but luckily I've built up some resistance to this by now and my own chemistry studies are adding a whole new backbone to the way I view these scare-mongering messages nowadays. Once I finish my course I should really focus on the book I've been researching for the past few years and get it out there. It's time people stopped worrying about insignificant things and started worrying about stuff that could cause real harm instead. To themselves, to the environment and ultimately to the existence of human life itself. Trust me, whether we ingest a bit of lipstick isn't on that list.

I refuse to choose

The only thing I would change about how my world works is time. It's such a linear bugger; limited and irritating concept. Nevertheless, it's slightly less of a problem now I've worked out how to seemingly squeeze more out of it than most people. (Granted, this ability comes at some costs).

I want to challenge some assumptions. "People tend to be either good at art or science". I call bullshit. I want to be good at both. I'm still traumatised by my school-experiences of maths*, but I am now getting excited about mathematics, statistics, chemistry and science in general. Today I realised that I've already done two of the named courses for an analytical sciences foundation degree. I was looking for the timetable for the next course from the Open University. Not sure if I will be able to fit it in until I finish the IFEAT perfumery diploma, so it'll take a little while until I register. I have also earmarked OpenLearn for brushing up on study skills and for other useful bite-sized courses.

"One is either feminine or successful in business/work". Rubbish. You don't have to sweat testosterone to make your mark.

Someone (an area manager for a retail chain) once said to me: "Wow, you actually have a brain in that pretty little head of yours." Yes, I hope so. Thank you for the compliment (you cow). One can be considered attractive AND smart. Why do people assume intelligence has anything to do with looks, either way? Rhetorical question. Ironic, considering that my self-esteem is a bit wobbly in the looks-department. My mother was trying to toughen me up by calling me fat and various other things when I was growing up. Bless. She meant well, but it was a bit of a crap strategy.

When I was starting out as a make-up artist, my first agency appointment went like this: "You have both fashion and theatre in your portfolio. You have to pick one or the other; you can't do both." I told her that I liked working in both. Why should I limit myself? I didn't pursue agents after that and just went pure freelance. Since the make-up artist job, I worked for a fragrance distributor, for a software developer and in retail. Now, years later, I've finally found an organisation in which I've been able to (first tentatively and lately at full force) unleash my full Scanner-nature. It feels like unfurling scrunched-up parts of your body that you knew were there, but had gone numb. I've been allowed to - and even encouraged to - work in a way that suits me perfectly. I've been doggedly and persistently pursuing self-study "outside work" to enable some of this (outside work in quotation marks because that's an artificial concept for me. A few years ago I realised that I should stop even trying to separate work-head and me-head. I need to allow myself to get absorbed and work across all concepts, personal or professional in a mind-map-like way. Time and clockwatching doesn't come into it).

At first, yes, there were some questions: "...yes, but that's not a job description - which department would you like to work under?" Luckily they didn't last long. I suppose I had to take some risks, but in the end I am so glad I did - by showing that I could work cross-departments on various projects at the same time. I'm now so happy at work and with how things are going that the old "yikes, what's going to go wrong now?" -nerves are here. This is so great that every day I pause at some point simply to marvel. (Marvel is such a ridiculous word, but it's the only one that seemed just right. Perhaps I also wish to convey exactly how ridiculous this all still seems. I can't believe my luck and I'm nervous that I will now go a head and mess it up somehow. I've still got to learn how to stop worrying).

Meanwhile, I have just drawn up one of my re-focus plans. This time it's a mind-map with a stick figure-me in the middle with lines and boxes coming off it. I may have mentioned various planning tools before, but for as long as I can remember, I've periodically taken stock of where I am and what I am focusing on. Usually once a year, but sometimes more often. Turns out that under the "Strengths Finder" method of trying to fit us into some kind of classification system, one of my dominant strengths is "focus". (The others are "strategic", "ideation" and "activator").

There is a fair amount of writing on that focus page, quite a few projects, goals and categories, but it seems manageable. What Barbara's book "What do I do when I want to do everything?" helped me realise is that I don't have to choose, but that I needed to develop ways in which to focus on one thing at a time, then swivel the wheel of interests and activities 'round like a revolving spice rack and pick up the next flavour, focus on that for a while, rinse and repeat. Simple, but brilliant. When it works, you feel as if everyone else is scuttling around at normal speed and your time has just gone into Hollywood blockbuster slow-mo. They run the rat race; you do your thing... and another thing...and another...

*Being repeatedly humiliated in front of the class, called a fat cannonball, and having things thrown at you by your teacher tends to do that.

Things I have realised today

1) It would make me feel more comfortable, if I were to internally agree that there really is such a thing as talent. And that you either have it or you don't. And that I may be talented in some of the things I so desperately wish to pursue and excel at.

The alternative is a bone-crushingly weighty reality of how little I really know about... perfumery... cosmetic science... writing... and that without the comforting concept of "talent", I may never be able to "catch up".

On the other hand, regardless of the mindset at the starting line, one thing seems to really be true: You can do stuff by just doing it. (A sentiment I know Neil Gaiman is fond of. I really get it now. It's taken me ages. Lots of other people get it too; some of them have even tried to advise me).

2) Speaking of which, at work, I've been very busy - travelling a great deal and so on. But I've also been writing. A lot. I'm concerned I've not been writing well enough (and what the hell is this all about - the more I write, the more concerned I become about writing badly, even though on some level, I must be getting better), but if one were to measure success in volume of output, I'd be doing rather spiffily, actually. Since May this year, I've effectively written a book. Shame it's not about alien planets, or grotesque insects. Realisation: If I wanted to write about alien planets, or grotesque insects, I could write the first draft in under a year, even when really busy at work. I'm running out of excuses.

3) My mother was a hedonist and didn't care for the worries of the next day. She was a master of pure seat-of-your-pants existence, which worked for a while, but became a really bad strategy (or lack thereof) in her later years. However, one of my most pervasive feelings of "being a child" is always being told to "look that up in the dictionary", or "don't ask me, find out yourself"; of being given educational toys, taken to complex foreign language plays and operas, a kind of Frasier Crane childhood.  It's impossible for me to ever know whether any of this was guided by the preferences I showed, but most of it must have been dictated by my mother's wishes. She exuded  fun and  she wanted to at least appear carefree, she picked the parts of the Communist Manifesto that suited her style and ditched the rest (granted, so did the Communist powers that be), she was delighted when she got lost in the woods and I - the "little miss young adult" at under 10 years old - found the way home; she loved to tell that story. So why did it seem that every activity of mine, even a simple conversation with my mother, had to more often than not be loaded with some kind of functional element. What kind of purpose or function can be derived from activity x? She taught me a lot. She didn't teach me how to have fun without care. Or maybe she tried and it was the seeing of the consequences of her lifestyle that made me so serious and determined. Or maybe I was always serious and determined and she simply accommodated me.

I've always had this unnerving feeling of being of such different raw material to my mother; not even chalk and cheese as they say here in England, but of different origins, from another planet.

Maybe I could write my first book about alien planets, aka, my mum and I.

Yet there were many things that (especially now with hindsight) I share with her. I love bold colours. So did she. And I seem to share her ability to remain naive and childlike when confronted with new ideas. I explore the sides that those entrenched in a rut or weighed down by too much experience may miss.

4) And that brings me to realisation number four. In the disciplines I wish to develop, but feel intimidated by due to my lack of knowledge or education in them - perhaps the way in which I combine a naive curiosity (beginner's luck + childlike "what if...?" wonder) and a smidgeon of talent (given that I'm allowing myself to believe that such a thing exists), perhaps, perhaps, I might be able to produce wonderful things after all. And surely the whole point is to continue learning and discovering all the while? And no master chef can possibly know everything there is in the whole world about cooking. They can still produce masterful dishes.

5) I seem to also be like my mother in one aspect - taste in perfumes. I've finally admitted to myself that her favourite scents (Shalimar by Guerlain and Y by YSL) appeal to me too. But in one aspect I am different; she used to stick to one perfume at a time, I, on the other hand, am a self-confessed perfume obsessive and collect perfumes. I'm mostly content to smell new ones, but some of them I must own. They enter the "wardrobe" and rotation.

6) There are few more lovely things than Finnish-style apple pie. Here's one I baked earlier:

7) There are a few more enjoyable and purely "fun" things for me than playing a really good computer game. Or, in some cases, a console game. There aren't many functional aspects to playing them that I can think of. If you know of some, don't tell me. I'm going to spend the rest of the evening playing Final Fantasy XII. I spent the earlier part of today studying my current Open University course "Understanding human nutrition", after which I baked the apple pie. Oh, and I finished reading "Just One More Thing" by Peter Falk (the book was lovely. The man is lovely). I haven't really done much today, but the trouble with studying and reading is that they make you think a lot. Which is why I'm here now, writing this, when I should be having fun.

A sonnet in jasmine

It's incredibly frustrating to dream in Shakespeare and write in picture book script. In perfumery, I have such flights of fancy in my olfactory cortex, but my skills aren't up to it yet. I wish I could spend an alternative lifetime in Grasse, piggybacking inside the head of an offspring of a formidable perfume famille whilst he learns the vocabulary of the craft. Memorises notes.

Sort of like Sam(antha) Beckett in France.

I have limited opportunities to start that process now. Depending on the success of my first attempts, maybe those opportunities will increase. I know that I will use every one of them fully.

Actually, when I say "start" - that's a little misleading; I have already been building up a catalogue of notes in my head - not just from childhood, noticing smells perhaps more strongly than others, but I mean the part where you consciously try to commit specific odours to memory. That started with the delivery of my first oils and chemicals, back in 2005.

Still. I feel like I've just about got the hang of "Hello, how are you? Nice to meet you." The part where you discuss matters of the heart and soul still eludes me. I'm determined to learn (as always).

There is the IFEAT Diploma in Perfumery, which I've been salivating about since I found out about it. Anyone have a spare £2000 knocking around?

These re-issued CDs are lovely (if I say so myself)

The illustrations I did for Frank Farrow's solo project This Life look so much better on the re-issued CDs. Kunaki's site is also designed so that you can rotate the jewel case. Cool.

Below are a some of pics of the MAGIC and ORGANIC albums.

Frank is working on a new album and I wish I had the time to do another cover. Then again, Frank's own painting will look wonderful and vibrant (I've seen a sneak preview!). Most importantly, I've also had a sneak preview of one of the songs due to be released on the next album and it made chills go up and down my spine because suddenly things moved up to a whole new dimension. So far This Life's style has been instrumental guitar, sometimes soothing, sometimes playful, sometimes experimental; always inspiring. I've loved Frank for letting me do pretty much whatever comes to mind after listening to his albums non-stop for a few days or weeks. Don't get me wrong - we've obviously discussed what he would prefer and I've sent him proposals and sketches via email, but the briefs have been loose. My favourite when illustrating.

I find music such an easy thing to draw about. Sounds are often of a particular colour and texture anyway and they transcribe themselves on paper without much cajoling.

Instrumental soundtracks to films are my favourite kind of thinking/creating music. Frank's albums could be used for something that way; they sound of stories.

Actually, he took the names for both of these from something I said to him about the music. That was an honour.

You know what's funny - we've never met face-to-face. With Frank being in USA, it may be some time before we do. I look forward to that day.

Perfume; the book, the film and my obsession

Some time has passed since I first wrote here about being a nose. Things have moved on for me in that department - and in many ways to a stage beyond what I first expected, or dared to hope for. Let me explain.

I tend to throw myself in fully when engaged in a project and this one has been no exception. I would say though, that the perfume thing for me, well, it's much more than a project. It's been a long-running thread from an early age. I'm not comfortable with, nor do I wish to limit myself to, just one career, one purpose, or one label, but among the many labels I've happily collected over the years, I am now proud to add "a perfumer-in-training" to the list. (I might write about the label-collecting and related discoveries soon. It would require a post in its own right though. I've had a fairly life-changing month, actually).

Much of my previous perfumery related experience came from a highly commercial side of things. First, as a keen consumer, then as a sales assistant, then, after a number of detours and other career paths, as the training manager for a UK cosmetics and perfume distributor.

From there onwards, lines started to blur. I was no longer content knowing about the fragrance houses, sales figures, packaging, merchandising, sales techniques, press launches and so on - I wanted to, no, needed to understand and learn how to make perfume.

Perfume Distiller - Grasse
Originally uploaded by Nathan Rawlins.

Whilst in the employment of the fragrance distributor, I had the opportunity to scratch the surface. I was exposed to some of the raw materials, to some of the extraction methods and to miniature perfume-organs (collections of raw materials and essential oils, from which a perfumer can select the "notes" for a perfume in the making).

Many years passed. I took my training management skills, combined them with my largely self-taught knowledge in computer software and the Internet, became a training manager for a UK software developer and spent a while immersed in a completely different world.

My passion for perfume and the inspiration that continuously bursts forward from the olfactory world all around us was not gone, far from it, but it lay somewhat dormant. I was content to be a consumer for the time being, with my mind occupied elsewhere.

And now, I'm once again involved in work that has fragrance in its heart. What's more, I have been making my own prototype perfumes, face oils, massage oils, massage bars and other experiments at home. I'm using myself and some close friends as guinea pigs. Much of my current work is limited by lack of financial resources (getting into real perfumery tends to be quite expensive, as many of the raw materials are costly and difficult to obtain). I have been able to progress, slowly, but yes, I've definitely made progress.

Eventually I would like to be able to set up a small business selling these products. I'm not interested in that just yet because the time isn't right. I consider many of my current activities as part of the learning process towards this goal and that's good enough for right now. But once I am ready, the small business will hopefully pave the way for a bigger venture. I have much larger business aspirations for some yet-to-be-determined future date. The bigger business plans depend on whether I am personally and financially ready before someone else develops my idea (the idea I've had is so obvious that it's only a matter of time before someone does it; as such, I know it's a good idea, but as such, I also realise that I may need to once again watch someone else realise a dream I've had. No matter. I've got plenty of ideas).

Something else has happened; something that I certainly wasn't expecting. The company I work for is known for developing all its own perfumes and fragrances (most companies tend to commission flavours, fragrances and perfumes from a handful of players in the big-boys network).

Through a series of seemingly disconnected events, I was invited for a day in the company's laboratory. This happened a few months ago. I was absolutely over the moon about it! Nervous, excited and everything in between. The day went well and resulted in a mini project. I was asked to develop a prototype perfume (not a commercial one, but more like a sensory journey). I did so and was able to present it to the powers that be a couple of weeks ago. I was then invited back to the lab for a further day's experimentation.

I don't know where this is leading (maybe it won't lead anywhere; not everything does, or has to), but the journey itself has already been worth its weight in Orris Absolute. Really, I'm not sure how I could describe how it has felt - it is an opportunity of a lifetime; something money couldn't buy. Not just the ability to experience materials I've only read about (which has enabled me to start training my nose to recognise them), but to be able to receive what one could almost describe as apprentice-like gentle tutoring by people who do this sort of thing successfully for a living and are some of the pioneers in the industry. It's been wonderful and I treasure it.

The downside (if there is one to be had), is that my little escapades to "The Lab" are but a drop in the sea for a very busy international company and for the schedules of everyone involved. From my perspective, these things have been huge, but from theirs, it must be just a blip in the radar. I am waiting to see if I would be able to return to the lab, or to be able to get involved in some other way. Such news may never come, or they may appear when I least expect them. So in the meantime, I've withdrawn back to home experiments.

What all this has done though, is given me the added confidence of knowing that this is something worth pursuing and that things are only as real and tangible as we want them to be. Because I've persisted and worked on this, something is materialising, even though I don't know quite what that is yet. And for now, maybe that's enough.

Needless to say, I have been reading everything about, or relating to perfume for some time and with gusto! I read "Perfume" by Patrick Süskind last year and although it's obviously much more about the human condition, about macabre banality of life, and about morals and murder, it is also a delightful (if quite disturbing) exploration of perfumery using techniques commonly found in magic-realism (such as "Like Water for Chocolate", which I also enjoyed immensely). I tend to have an appetite for the macabre (I am, after all, a fan of certain kinds of horror and dark fantasy), so the chilling elements of "Perfume" did not ruin anything for me, in fact, quite the opposite. The book felt like a picture of the most exquisite garden framed using human bones. Or something along those lines.

Perfume, the celluloid version, premièred in Munich in September 2006. It was apparently the costliest German-made film to date. I was delighted to hear that it had been made into a film, as it had previously (apparently) been declared as "ulfilmable" by big names such as Kubrick, Scorsese and Scott.

I was absolutely gutted when I realised that I'd missed it in the local cinema, so Timo very kindly booked seats for us in London yesterday. We met up, had a stroll in town, ate Subway's sandwiches, went for a coffee and visited Selfridge's perfumery where I homed in on a number of new fragrance launches I was interested in trying out (and - a little bit embarrassingly, but it always happens, so I'm used to it - out-talked the perfume girl about the properties of the fragrance I was sampling).

We both enjoyed the film. Timo hasn't read the book, but when we came out and I asked him what he thought of the film, his reply was: "It was a little bit like being at home; with all those test tubes and bottles and things." He paused and added: "Without the murdering, of course. One hopes". He smiled.

I reassured him that my interest in perfumery was not about to include the scope of Jean-Baptiste Grenouille.

I remarked: "It's a fictional dilemma that would be out of place in today's perfumery. Jean-Baptiste could have done with some Headspace technology; then he could have captured all the scents he wanted without having to kill all those girls. It's a shame he needed to kill them. Would have been interesting if he could have preserved their scent otherwise."

Timo: "You said needed."

Me: "Well, yes..."

Obviously this was tongue-in-cheek, just in case you're wondering.

I was left with the impression that I perhaps enjoyed the film more than average due to the fact that I'd read the book and that I have such a strong personal interest in the creation of perfume. Timo seemed to like the film more due to its distinctly un-Hollywood-like message and ending, as well as perhaps due to knowing that I was enjoying myself. He called the film "Very European, in a good way."

EDITED LATER: Read what happened next... and after that!

Holidays and dragons

I'm on holiday! As of this evening! The next time I will go to work is over a week away!

I've got a bit of a schedule to follow, as this is a little bit of a fake holiday in that I'm not actually going to be resting much - instead, it's a prelude holiday to the real one in April. Okay, I'll explain a bit. Or maybe that said it all?

Yeah. I need this week off to do various important things, get the ball rolling on others, get some chores, housework and other bits in order and yes, I do intend to have about 3 days of actual bumming around without a timetable.

Then, in April, around my birthday, I'm having another week off. And that will be a holiday-holiday as much as possible. I've been dropping hints that I'd like to go to Paris for a day trip. I wonder if I need to be more obvious about that? Some hint dropping around Christmas really didn't work, let me tell you.

Anyway, here's something I sketched for a presentation about a perfume I've been working on. I don't want to talk about that particular project in much more detail than that at the moment, but I will say that the perfume making is going very well indeed and that I am excited about where this could all lead. Learning itself is wonderful, but I am hoping to take things further. One day, I may even be able to sell my perfumes online and maybe even through resellers. I'm quite a way off from that, but it's something I'd like to work towards.

An Inky comic interlude

I'm putting together a portfolio and thus going through many, many images on my computer. Thanks to Stik, my printer is working overtime (he gently nagged me to approach an agent. I'm still pondering about that. I have an online portfolio that has a few images, I've had stuff published, yes, but I hadn't really considered the next steps).

Whilst on the treasure hunt through folders and folders of images, I came across something I did a few years ago.

Click for Inky episode 1

Click for Inky episode 2

I might not put Inky in my portfolio though. I'm no cartoonist (as you can see), but there is something about these cheeky illustrations and simplistic style that still makes me giggle. They tickle me. What a dorky thing to say: [plummy  English accent] "Ooh, I do make myself laugh sometimes" [/plummy English accent]. Maybe that's telling? Oh, who knows. I may not put Inky in my portfolio. He might not enjoy being squished up in a folder and carted around.

Escape route

I am going to Escape Studios tomorrow, as a student on one of their "Learning Days". The day will be an overview of the studio as an environment, as well as a glimpse into the most popular software packages used on their courses.

The world of 3D image creation has fascinated me for quite some time. Just imagine - getting to grips with a little piece of magic. That's what it feels like anyway; the process of producing all those computer graphics for games and blockbuster films IS like modern day magic.

My gut feeling is, that I'm probably more in my element with 2D art, but I am nevertheless extremely keen to gain at least a basic understanding of another dimension. I'll report back!

I actually did it

I finished the art project I've been working on for months. It's been - let's use corporate speak - challenging, with all that's been going on. Much of the work has happened in the middle of the night, or has been scribbled to cheap drawing paper during lunchbreaks.

The time in hours clocked up to around 60. That seems ludicrous, but it's true. Might be a while before I want to shade dragon scales again. My next one might feature... stick figures.

I've made some teeny web versions of the main cover and the total layout. They're over in the porfolio blog, but I'll link to them from here too. Click on the images to see the relevant page.

A small foray

During the last week, I've had a small foray into what it might be like to work at home as an illustrator. I've had to discipline myself into being productive and into ironing out the wrinkles when something doesn't cooperate quite as intended. This, versus just giving up and doing something else instead.

The resulting image is almost ready (I need to add some detail and do some more of that "ironing out"), but what I hadn't expected, was the way in which the whole process felt necessary, mildly irritating, yet immensely satisfying all at once - a bit like going for a pee after holding it in for ages.

Aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Drawing, creating images, creating full stop, appears to be something I need to do. This is not a completely new concept to me, but sometimes it's good to be reminded of it. I just need to work hard, improve my skills and keep going.

Something

So many reasons why I haven't become something yet. I'm kind of nothing, except of course for the obvious things. And I suppose those things are something.

What I need, is a dose of single-minded obsession.

About something.

You look at professional athletes, brilliant entrepreneurs, political activists, devoted medics, and you think: "What took you there?"

Besides talent, besides skill; the will to work hard. What took you there?

I bet they didn't hesitate about where they were heading. I bet some might even have been a tad obsessed about their calling.

I haven't got a calling. I want to do everything that interests me, and that's not possible because too many things interest me and I wasn't born into wealth. Even if I'd have been born into wealth, I'd be in the same situation, except I might have embarrassed myself a few times by the sorts of things wealthy people tend to do - vanity publishing and the like.

In fact, having given it some thought, it's bloody lucky I wasn't born into wealth.

I do know what I want out of life, but I might have to face up to the fact that what I want is not within reach. I might not be able to do everything that I'd like to, I might not be able to achieve everything I would like to. That's tough shit, really, because life isn't fair.

If I wanted to flatter myself, I'd call myself a "modern version of a Renaissance woman", but let's be realistic. I'm an ambitious, possibly just unable to commit to any one thing, possibly a little too lazy to really put in the effort into anything for too long, or possibly disadvantaged by my upbringing and past history (maybe to the point where I will never be able to combat past demons).

Ahh, I don't really think I'm lazy. That was my mother talking. Shut up, mum.

I've spent most of today working on an album cover illustration for a wonderful guitarist called Frank - I've worked with him before and adore his music and his personality. We have a nice semi-pro working relationship. The thing is, I've been so overwhelmed by the Christmas rush at my day job that it's only in the last two weeks I've been able to totally throw myself into this work. It should be finished by now, but it's a very detailed piece (so far, I've clocked up about 20 hours' work on it), and I haven't had enough time.

Or have I? I feel so guilty that the picture is taking me a long time to finish, when it's been months in the making. I had the first concept discussions with Frank ages ago, but it took me three attempts to come up with something just right. Once I had the concept down, the rest has been just down to being able to put in the hours. I even took my drawing pad and pencils away with me on our little Christmas break and worked on the details in the evenings.

Sometimes I wish I could truly go freelance. And sometimes I wish I could go ahead with my business plan. And sometimes I think that the best thing for me to do would be to go back to a job that challenges me, involves me and at the same time, has decent enough rewards so that Timo and I can create a better lifestyle for ourselves in the long run.

I am at an odd crossroads where many things seem to hang in the balance. And maybe the answer will come without too much effort. And maybe I will find out what my "something" is.